You might hear it on a Sunday night when it’s time to finally tackle long-put-off homework. Or on a Tuesday morning before a big test, or a Friday when staying home would just be more fun.
Whenever it comes, if you’re a parent, you’ll probably hear it eventually: “I hate school!”
Children often go through a phase of not liking school and not wanting to go, and that’s normal, says UNC Health child psychiatrist Katie Napier, MD. But sometimes this dislike turns into a problem, because the child is experiencing distress, struggling to learn or refusing to go to school.
Whatever the severity of your child’s feelings, it’s best if kids feel happy and engaged at school. Dr. Napier offers these tips for parents.
1. Get curious about the reason your child doesn’t want to go to school.
There are countless reasons why your child might not like school at the moment, but to help them, you’ll have to know what you’re dealing with. Ask your child about why they’re reluctant to go to school. Maybe they just find it boring, in which case you can empathize with them while reinforcing the importance of going anyway: “I hear you, some days we don’t feel like doing the things we have to do and we keep going.”
Or their answers might reveal deeper issues that you can help them address, such as a potential learning disability, bullying or separation anxiety.
Even if your child shuts down the conversation—teens in particular may say they want to be left alone—“stay curious with your child and try to figure out if there’s something underneath that,” Dr. Napier says.
If your child needs a break from talking or some space, come back to the topic later.
2. Use resources to help you help your child.
If you’re concerned about your child’s experience at school, talk to their teachers. They can help you understand if your child is struggling to pay attention, make friends or complete their work. Once you have that information, you may decide to call your child’s pediatrician. Sometimes, treatment for conditions such as attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder or anxiety can make a big difference.
If your child needs academic resources, ask school administrators what’s available. If you believe there’s an issue with bullying, speak up and work with the school to make a plan to stop it.
“Talk to teachers, counselors, the principal, everybody you can about what the plan of action is to support your child,” Dr. Napier says.
Of course, sometimes there’s nothing that needs to be done and your child just needs to persist through difficult feelings. Even then, you can check in with a teacher.
Try to determine, “Where are the places I bring support and where do I hold back to let them make that next step?” Dr. Napier says.
If your child is an adolescent who is struggling with mental health or refuses to go to school, you’ll likely need professional help. Your child’s pediatrician can help you find a therapist; if your child refuses to go to therapy, talk to a therapist yourself about ways to cope.
3. Process your own emotions about your child and school.
Parents have their own feelings about school and their child’s education, particularly when it’s not going well. It can help to share those feelings with a trusted person such as a partner, friend or therapist.
It’s normal to feel angry, worried, guilty or ineffective as a parent. Sometimes parents feel the pain of their expectations not being met.
“As a parent, you have hopes and dreams for your child. You imagine things going a certain way. Sometimes it doesn’t go like that,” Dr. Napier says. “You might feel grief, anxiety, sadness or a whole host of other feelings depending on what’s going on with your child.”
When you process your own emotions in a healthy way, you can be a better support to your child and have more realistic expectations moving forward.
4. Maintain an ongoing conversation about school with your child.
Even when your child is happy to go to school, it’s important to maintain open communication about how things are going, Dr. Napier says.
It can be helpful to wait to ask about their day over dinner or during a later moment of quiet instead of right when they get in the car or walk in the door, Dr. Napier says.
“Ask about their day and be genuinely curious about what they liked about school that day, what they learned, what was hard, what did they overcome, what were the victories today?” Dr. Napier says.
From there, you can help with problem-solving.
If they always reply that “nothing” happened and don’t want to open up? Stay available so they know you’re there when they need you.
And if your child does confide in you, treat the information with respect even if it seems like minor stuff that you know will pass, Dr. Napier says. When children are upset, “it feels like the whole world,” Dr. Napier says. “Just be with your child in that feeling. Let them know you understand this is a really big deal.”
Have questions about your child’s health or development? Talk to their doctor or find one near you.The post Do These 4 Things If Your Kid ‘Hates’ School first appeared on UNC Health Talk.
